Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Everything is different....

So yeah its been quite a while since I've been on here. I know I have very few followers and probably only one person who really reads the posts, well he used to at least probably not anymore.... Anyways, I'm going to be moving come January and starting school which will be very exciting. My supposedly all loving boyfriend isn't going to be around anymore. No matter how much you love someone, that's not always enough to stay in a relationship. I love him to death and wish there was some way I could be with him but the truth is I just can't trust him. We aren't going to be in the same state for at least 4 years and every time I think about it I just can't seem to trust him. I want to but I just can't. There's a part of me that won't let me put myself out there again just for him to ruin it and cause me more worry, stress, and pain. So when I move I'm starting fresh. New life, new people, new place. Just starting over because I think it'll be good for me and I can really grow and mature and do what I want without having people telling me I can't. I'm going to miss my friends from the life I have right now but if I stay here in Virginia I'm not going to amount to anything and will never truly be my own person. For what it counts I'm moving to Arizona. I lived there before the Navy and I'm going to live there after. I'm going to be going to Grand Canyon University in Phoenix and getting a BS in Secondary Education with an emphasis in Mathematics. In basic terms I'm getting my Bachelors to teach high school math. I know it doesn't pay very much but hey it's something I want to do and will enjoy it so I don't care how much I get paid. I just want to be happy. I think I deserve at least a little happiness after all I've been through in my 21 years of life. Even if I was open to say what I've been through I wouldn't even know where to begin. Plus anyone who reads it would just be like oh well every girl says stuff like that so it wouldn't be any different to you. But anyways that's not the point. I've been used to this way of life for so long that after the new year I'm going to be living completely different. I'm going to be a civilian again thank gosh for that. I can't wait to dye my hair crazy colors and get more piercings and tattoos. I'm also kind of scared. I know I'm going to have more "responsibility" and all that good stuff but everyone has to experience being independent every now and then. I don't even consider myself fully independent right now because I rely on the Navy for somewhere to live and a place to eat when I have no money. I just don't know anymore. I've always had something or someone to get me through big changes like this but this time I don't think I have anyone but myself and I don't have anything but my car but that's my way to get to Arizona. I need some way to transport all my stuff because I'm definitely not mailing it all especially if I don't know where to mail it too. Anyways, sorry I keep going on and on but I need to get this out somehow and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it without sounding crazy. I know it's not really smart telling a bunch of strangers about my thoughts but hey it happens. Sometimes complete strangers are the most helpful because there is no seeing them randomly somewhere. I'm pretty sure you all get my point. Thanks for listening.

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