Everything is different....

So yeah its been quite a while since I've been on here. I know I have very few followers and probably only one person who really reads the posts, well he used to at least probably not anymore.... Anyways, I'm going to be moving come January and starting school which will be very exciting. My supposedly all loving boyfriend isn't going to be around anymore. No matter how much you love someone, that's not always enough to stay in a relationship. I love him to death and wish there was some way I could be with him but the truth is I just can't trust him. We aren't going to be in the same state for at least 4 years and every time I think about it I just can't seem to trust him. I want to but I just can't. There's a part of me that won't let me put myself out there again just for him to ruin it and cause me more worry, stress, and pain. So when I move I'm starting fresh. New life, new people, new place. Just starting over because I think it'll be good for me and I can really grow and mature and do what I want without having people telling me I can't. I'm going to miss my friends from the life I have right now but if I stay here in Virginia I'm not going to amount to anything and will never truly be my own person. For what it counts I'm moving to Arizona. I lived there before the Navy and I'm going to live there after. I'm going to be going to Grand Canyon University in Phoenix and getting a BS in Secondary Education with an emphasis in Mathematics. In basic terms I'm getting my Bachelors to teach high school math. I know it doesn't pay very much but hey it's something I want to do and will enjoy it so I don't care how much I get paid. I just want to be happy. I think I deserve at least a little happiness after all I've been through in my 21 years of life. Even if I was open to say what I've been through I wouldn't even know where to begin. Plus anyone who reads it would just be like oh well every girl says stuff like that so it wouldn't be any different to you. But anyways that's not the point. I've been used to this way of life for so long that after the new year I'm going to be living completely different. I'm going to be a civilian again thank gosh for that. I can't wait to dye my hair crazy colors and get more piercings and tattoos. I'm also kind of scared. I know I'm going to have more "responsibility" and all that good stuff but everyone has to experience being independent every now and then. I don't even consider myself fully independent right now because I rely on the Navy for somewhere to live and a place to eat when I have no money. I just don't know anymore. I've always had something or someone to get me through big changes like this but this time I don't think I have anyone but myself and I don't have anything but my car but that's my way to get to Arizona. I need some way to transport all my stuff because I'm definitely not mailing it all especially if I don't know where to mail it too. Anyways, sorry I keep going on and on but I need to get this out somehow and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it without sounding crazy. I know it's not really smart telling a bunch of strangers about my thoughts but hey it happens. Sometimes complete strangers are the most helpful because there is no seeing them randomly somewhere. I'm pretty sure you all get my point. Thanks for listening.

Part Four

So I’ve been talking to this guy in my usual chat room. He’s really nice and totally understands how I feel about being locked up for no reason. His name is Todd and he’s home schooled like I am and my age. It feels so nice to connect with someone even though you can’t see them. It would be nice to see him on webcam sometime though. He said his parents won’t let him have one because they don’t want someone to come kidnap him or something. I don’t know how you can start to like someone without meeting them but Todd has got me to do it. I look forward to talking to him everyday when I get done with homework. Sometimes I don’t even want to go to sleep because I just want to stay up and talk to him. He’s just so awesome and I’m so glad I’ve met him. I even forgot about finding dirt on my parents to blackmail them because of him. He must really be that important to me. He sometimes talks about meeting up and acting like we are dating. I imagine it and its like I just can’t stop smiling. I think my life is starting to change and get better and I never thought it would ever happen…..

Wow...

So I've realized I haven't been on here in a while. Just got busy with work and relationship stuff. My two boys are out at sea and it's killing me for them to be so far away. I'm working through it though. Just gotta take it one day at a time and see what happens. I'm going to continue my story as well. I realized I haven't been doing that either but it's not like a lot of people care seeing as I only have 4 people to follow my blog so I guess no one is really missing out on anything. Well have a good day...

Leaving....

I hate it when I start enjoying the way my life is going something happens to make me hate life again. I love my friends that I have and I care about them too. Especially two guys that just happen to be leaving at the same time. One is a close friend and ex-lover and the other is my current lover. They are both such great guys and they make me happy in different ways. I can take one leaving but both? It just sucks. What sucks even more is that they are leaving at the beginning of next month. I'm going to miss them both so much and probably for a while I'm not going to know what to do with myself. I'm usually with one or the other and now it's like I have to find someone else to hang out with. I have other friends but not like these two. These two understand who I am and I can be myself around them. Some of my other friends don't appreciate the way I choose to live my life but these two don't judge me at all. Why do I have to be in love with two guys in the military on sea duty?

Part Three

Ugh I can't believe these parents of mine. After all this time I spent gathering research about youth programs and the dangers of kids isolated from the world they still say no. I mean why can't I go out and experience something for myself. They got to when they were younger and look at how they turned out. I mean they would've had to meet somewhere so they could fall in love and get married and all that fun stuff. I know the world is dangerous but wouldn't it be even more dangerous if they keep me here until I know I can leave legally? I would have no where to go but still just to be able to walk outside and talk to people would be nice. I know there is something that my parents are hiding. I guess I'm going to have to do some more digging around and asking questions. But I just can't ask questions without them suspecting that I'm up to something. One good thing about being locked up is that I can make a plan easily without getting distracted. I wonder what kind of secrets my parents are hiding from me and when I find out I'm going to throw it in their face and then they'll have to let me do what I want. I know it's evil to blackmail your parents but what else am I supposed to do? I mean just think about what you would do if you were in my situation....

Always Wanting and Always Looking...

Have you felt like you are looking for something that doesn't exist? That just makes you want it more. Knowing you can't find it makes it harder to believe that its out there. Whenever you think you've found it you try to keep it yours for as long as you can, but that only makes things worse. It's like a never ending battle between you and what you want or what you're looking for. Most of the time you just want to give up and settle with whatever you have found because you get tired of looking. I don't wanna give up but I'm getting tired of this constant journey I can't seem to find an end to. Everyday it seems like it would just be easier to give in to the temptation of keeping what I have going so at least I've found something. Maybe someday I can find what I'm looking for....

Part Two

Well today's the day. I'm going to start changing the way I live my life. I'm going to tell my parents that I want a normal teenage life. They can send me to church camp if they want; I just want to be out of the house and around kids my own age for once. I just have to think of a way to bring it up gently so they don't overreact. First I'm going to cook them a nice dinner and then give them a homeade dessert to finish off their meal. Then as we are all watching our one of our shows I'll chime in about how it would be nice if I could interact with kids my own age right now. I'll show them the research I've been gathering for the past week. Then they'll have to let me do it. I'm not asking to go to public school although that would be nice. I just want to be in a youth program that lets me meet people my own age and let me have a life. Oh please let this work. It's my only way out of here......